Fixing it, helping someone else, staying busy: self abandonment often looks like strength. Dr. Gil Winkelman on how we leave ourselves, and what it means to stay.
One afternoon, a patient I’ll call Larry sent a quarterly report to a client with a wrong number in it. A colleague caught it first and sent a kind message. Larry felt something drop in his stomach, and within seconds he was answering email. That evening he spent an hour on the phone with a friend who was having a rough night, warm and patient the whole time. When his partner asked how his day was, he said it was busy and fine, and he meant it. He had honestly forgotten about that drop. It is a small, quiet picture of self abandonment.
In this episode of the Love series, Dr. Gil Winkelman looks at self abandonment: the small, competent, often admirable ways we leave ourselves when our own experience is hard to be with. Fixing it. Helping someone else instead. Distracting ourselves with the next task. Self abandonment rarely looks dramatic, and most of the time these habits are strengths. The question is what they are doing for you in that moment.
You’ll hear the difference between a break you come back from and a distraction you never come back from, and one question to ask yourself in the moment: does this response help me return to myself, or does it keep me from meeting myself? Dr. Gil explains why leaving makes sense, why being useful so often gets rewarded, how people build the capacity to stay with themselves in more than one way, and what the pattern can cost in a relationship.
He also slows down Larry’s four seconds so you can hear what staying actually looks like: letting two things be true, I made a mistake and I’m still someone worth being present for. You’ll hear the difference between shame and taking responsibility, and why staying isn’t rumination, isn’t doing it alone, and isn’t something to force when what’s inside is too big. If you go numb or feel flooded, trying harder to stay is not the answer. Support is.
If you’ve ever wondered why you’re so good at being there for other people and so quick to leave yourself, this conversation offers a way to understand self abandonment without shame and without a technique. Larry returns at the end, a few weeks later, with one small change.
This is Episode 12 of the Love series on AskDrGil. Patient names and details are changed. This episode is for education and reflection and isn’t a substitute for professional care.
To see your own patterns more clearly, take the Healing Archetype Quiz at askdrgil.com.
What is self abandonment?
Self abandonment is leaving yourself when your own experience is hard to be with. It is often small and competent: fixing the problem, becoming useful to someone else, or distracting yourself with the next task. It rarely looks dramatic, and these habits are often strengths. The question is whether the response helps you return to yourself or keeps you from meeting yourself.
Is helping other people a form of self abandonment?
Not by itself. Helping, fixing and taking a break are not wrong, and sometimes a distraction is exactly right. It becomes leaving when it is automatic, when it happens before you have registered what you feel, and when you never come back to it.
How is a break different from leaving yourself?
A break you come back from is one thing. A distraction you never come back from is another. The action can be the same. The direction is different.
What does it mean to stay with yourself?
Staying with yourself means remaining in relationship with your experience without needing to erase it, obey it, or turn it into a verdict about who you are. It is a kind of attention, closer to sitting beside someone than to solving a problem.
What is the difference between shame and taking responsibility?
Shame says, I’m bad. Taking responsibility says, this happened and I did it. The second is harder, and it makes genuine repair possible without turning the mistake into a verdict on who you are.
What if I go numb or feel flooded when I try to stay with a feeling?
Trying harder to stay is not the answer. If you go numb or feel far away, or what is there is grief or something from long ago that does not ease, it is time to bring in a trained person and go at a pace you can manage. Stepping back with support is not abandoning yourself.
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